I'm All In

Almost every night, I wake up in the middle of the night. It's the Lord, at least I hope it's the Lord, and we talk. Usually it's around 3:15-3:30am. I don't know why He wakes me at this time, but He does... so we talk.

A couple of nights ago I was awakened at 12:30am. I was like...12:30...really Jesus? It's 12:30! But it is Jesus, after all, so I said ok and we begin to talk.

Here's how way this conversation went.

I stayed under the covers and He began to reveal to me all the ways He has worked in my life over the last 35 years to bring me to where I am today. This took about an hour and a half. He was showing me this and showing me that. How what I thought were just circumstances was really Him leading. There were so many. I could see His hand all over my life. All those experiences...all those teaching moments, all the people He led me to.

It was so humbling. It's hard for me to even write about it without shedding tears. In fact, I can't.

I asked myself over and over again, "Why would Jesus have such involvement in my life? Wouldn't He just loving me be good enough?"

Then I think back to my youth...when I pledged to Jesus my life and said He could do with it anything He wanted. He has taken me up on it. And despite all of my stupid mistakes, sin, and dumb choices, He has been faithful.

I feel right now, I am at the threshold of something really important. Something He has been preparing me for throughout my entire life.

As I was pondering all these things Tuesday evening I realized something very painful. I still don't trust Jesus with everything.

Even though I can see His hand working even through the darkest hours of my life, I still don't trust Him completely. Even though I have been placed in a wonderful church by Jesus for this very hour, I still keep my options open. Even though He has replaced the years the locust have eaten, I still hold back.

It's utter foolishness on my part really. To hold something back from Jesus just isn't rational. I am the only one who loses. To hold back even a little bit is to deprive myself from seeing all He has for me. And not just for me, but my family and all I might influence because of His work through me.

I want to say...in writing...and with all my heart, I'm all in. From this day forward till I see you face to face, Jesus...I'm all in.

I need a tissue.

RP